Nilolai Rudd is 28 and he and his parents, Eric and Barbara, belonged to our support group for many years. Nilolai is currently living and working in Massachusetts. He is planning to publish a book of poems he wrote. Here he shares one of them.
I wrote a poem called "Nearly There" while attending Symposium 2002. The poem addresses how I feel about the transition from boyhood to adulthood. For me, there seemed to be this underlying transition period in my twenties when I didn't feel like I really fit anywhere. I was too old to be treated or act like child, but instead needed to face life's realities. At the same time, I also felt and still feel, like I don't really belong with the adults. Since I had to grow up so fast because of the MSUD, I didn't have time to really enjoy being young. I felt out of place during dinner conversations with other adults because I couldn't really contribute anything to them. So I felt like the proverbial fly on the wall. At the Symposium, I guess I just felt like I needed to hash out those thoughts. Sort of like therapy, I guess.
I was nearly there,
Or so it seemed.
It couldn't be real,
So it must have been a dream.
Not quite fitting in with the young...
And my life as an adult has barely begun.
To most, I seem invisible,
Looking on from the outside in -
Never quite knowing where I've been.
My friends have all scattered afar,
And me, I sit, writing at this bar...
With my existence, some good, more miserable.
Looking on I ponder,
While many people wander.
"Why am I here?" and "What's the deal?"
No comfort, no care, no special someone...
So here I'll sit, in silence, till the day's done.